THE SNUGBUS Archive

On a lighter note....

Hi all,
Been working on segments for the Funeral Fun book. Something to share around during the funeral should I expire from any unpleasant activity.
The running joke is
Q "What will be the last two words spoken at my funeral? "
A "Mike who?"

Was thinking of things that happened when working for Hazeltine on Long Island.

Hazeltine was a military contractor that made electronics for E2C, AWACS, various ASW platforms.

I was part of the environmental test lab, aka Shake and Bake.

There were fun moments working there.

Jack Crow
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Using Vibration as a laxative

At this point I was working for Hazeltine.
Some things you can get away with in the dead of the night.
Using a hundred thousand dollar machine for personal reasons.

We had taken delivery of three modern vibration tables.
Ling 8016 amplifiers and D300 shakers.
Water cooled shakers, and solid state amplifiers.
Great machines.

Think of these things as 80kW amplifiers and speakers.
There were special audio generators and a feed back system.
This audio device can be set for constant level, or controlled displacement.

The 'speaker' was connected to a magnesium table of four by six feet, perhaps about three inches thick.
This would slide back and forth across an oiled block of granite.

When configured properly the machine can easily drive this plate back and forth about ¾ of an inch at about 3 hz.
The amp and shaker combination was rated for 15000 foot pounds.
That kind of energy can snap significant bolts.

“Discovered” by accident that sitting on the table while it was in motion, tended to loosen anything 'adhering' in the lower GI tract.
Best thing I ever had for constipation.
Fortunately the men's room was not too far away.

Some years later a TV show called Myth Busters did an article called “The Brown Note”.
It involved blasting someone with high level sub sonic sound and getting their colon to let go.
It did not work.
Needed a better connection than an air gap can supply.
The things we learn from personal experience.

Did not 'shake one out' too often, all that shaking would stretch and rip our internals but for once in a while relief, it worked like a charm.

In fact, using vibration was an idea for a murder mystery.

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Second Hazeltine story. It's evil.
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Ever want to go home and not get stuck working on some BS overtime project?
Happened to me once.
Got delayed going home to run 'vibration screen' after 'vibration screen' with an mechanical engineer named Alex.
Each run lasted about ten min.
The problem was Alex would watch the run start, then take off to call his girlfriend. (years before cell phones)

Take his time coming back, look at the print out, make a change and we would start the cycle all over again.

At one point he comes back with a brand new can of Pepsi.
Puts it on the desk used by the vibration controller. It's cold, and sweating a ring into the wood.
Pops the top and takes a sip.
We start the next vibration cycle, and guess who runs off to call the girlfriend again.

Im looking at this can of Pepsi.
Hating this can of Pepsi.

Then the golden idea crops up.

While the vibration screen is running, I take the can into a nearby lab and put it in an altitude chamber.
Run the thing up to 50k feet. Leave it there for sixty seconds, then come down to ambient altitude.

Take the soda back to the vibration desk and put it back into the sweat ring.

The vibration cycle ends and eventually Alex wanders back into the control room and looks at the print out, then grabs his soda and takes a swig.

His eyes bug out.

It was totally flat.

Worked over time trying not to break out laughing.

I sucked every gram of CO2 out of that soda.

Payback is a cast iron bitch.
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Keep it safe guys.
Jack Crow

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